why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
