Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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