omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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