So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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