I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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