Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
