Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
