Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize