Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
