Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
