Its about making memories worth repressing
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
