you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
