i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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