My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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