I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
