Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Randomize
