i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
