whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
