the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Pants are for mortals
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
