you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
