Umm I'm too high to move.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
