Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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