I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
