I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
