Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
