I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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