Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
