so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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