I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
