we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
