I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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