Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
