If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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