Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think my vagina is haunted
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
only if we run a train.
done.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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