my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
