I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
