That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
