I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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