I just threw up on my dentist
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
