I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
