I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
