i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
