John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
