just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
