Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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