I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
