____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
