apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
