Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
