Dude my mom stole all your condoms
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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