It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
