So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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