Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i drank out of a bidet.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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