8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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