he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
