you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize