the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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